Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
