You're completely useless in the revolution.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
