some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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