Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
