I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
