Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
