Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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