you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
