Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
