They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
