i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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