I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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