Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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