that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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