Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
