Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Also, beer. Big fan.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
