Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
