He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
