Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
