Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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