How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
