Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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