the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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