i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
