I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
