I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He has the fingertips of a God
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
