Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
