I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Is Oprah even human
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
