Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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