Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
