I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
