hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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