You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
