It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
