people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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