yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
