Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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