Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
