Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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