Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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