If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Farmville is her only friend.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
