Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
