If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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