I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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