i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
