my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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