If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
