My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
