he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
