You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
